There’s a saying that goes, “All misery derives from the inability to sit in a quiet room alone.” For most of my life I could really relate to that. I did not love who I was or the way I was living my life. I did not know it at the time, but I had very low self-esteem and was disappointment with myself most of the time. Although you wouldn’t have guess it by looking at me. I was a fun loving, optimistic, “life of the party,” kind of guy. Yet that was on the outside, and for the majority of my life, I confused what was going on with the outside with my insides. Inside I was dying and didn’t even realize it.
I started drinking heavily in college. After my second year in college I would say I was drinking almost every night of the week. If I wasn’t drinking, then I was definitely thinking about not drinking. It was then that someone first mentioned they felt I had a drinking problem. I would consistently show up late to work smelling like beer. I would shrug it off and just starting being more careful about who I got close to at work in the mornings. It was at this time I first started having depressive thoughts about myself.
I remember being late to work, yet again! And thinking to myself, “I should just run my car off the road… if I hurt myself, then I would have a real reason to be late for work.” Eventually I got bored with that job (which oddly enough, a few years prior, was my dream job). I moved to a different city and got a job in an industry where drinking and the party life is more normal and acceptable. I always thought it was a career choice, that I was made for that career. I know now it was a choice the disease of alcoholism made for me. It would be many many years later before I finally succumbed to the disease of alcoholism and got help.